The Interview: LJ Benet by Shoshana Bean

Shoshana Bean: LJ, this is your Broadway debut as a lead. What was the moment when it finally felt real for you, or does it even feel real yet?

LJ Benet: Probably the realest moment was when I found out I booked it, and I told you this story. I went and sat in front of the Palace. My mom had told me before I went out that my grandpa used to sell playbills to a bunch of different theaters—he was the distributor for them. And one of them could have been the Palace, I don't really know for certain, but he did all the theaters. And so, the idea that he was out there, in spirit, that night that I kind of just walked up, was probably the moment it hit. Just because when I was younger, I didn't know him that well, but on his deathbed, he was like, ‘He's going to do something big one day,’ and he told my mom that, and then my mom would repeat that to me later. So, it just all felt very real at that moment. 
    As far as Broadway, it's a fever dream. It still doesn't feel real. I don’t really know what I'm doing. It feels like a job, but the hardest job ever. But, that was probably the realest thing I’ve felt.

SB: Continuing off that question—first night with the audience, finally hearing responses, whether it’s laughter or applause. What did it feel like taking your first bow or coming out and getting entrance applause? Were you present to any of that? Did you realize, as you were taking your first bow on Broadway, that you were taking your first bow on Broadway?

LJ: Yeah, I was present to the fact that it was a bow and I took it. But I think what hit me more was, before we went out. I wasn't feeling butterflies or anything. I was honestly really calm, and I was kind of scared at how calm I felt. But then, I saw you, I gave you a hug, and then I just started breaking down a little bit, and I don't know what that was. Honestly, I just felt cared for and comforted. And I feel like that's something in all these places I've performed that’s always been missing.
    And you've been so good at that and taking care of me, and I think I just felt safe. And it was one of the first times in a theater I felt safe to fail and to be who I was supposed to be on that stage. So, when I did take that bow, I really felt, not only is this awesome, but I actually feel like I'm at home right now.

SB: Did anyone offer you any great advice that has been guiding you through this journey?

LJ: It's so funny you say that. Within our first couple of weeks, you actually sat me down at this lovely little spot right across the street from Baryshnikov, our rehearsal space, and you gave me a jar that is still on my nightstand full of amazing one-liners. You know encouragements, but also advice, and wisdom, and everything. Every night, I take one out and look at it, and I'm like, this is what tomorrow is, this is where we need to be, this is what I can do today, this is what I need to protect, this is what I need to save for. You've just been taking great care of me. So, the answer is yes. Shoshana Bean has been giving me all of the advice, 

SB: Speaking of us again, Lucy and Michael are navigating a huge life transition together. How has our off-stage relationship shaped the way that you play these high-stakes family moments on stage? 

LJ: It feels contradictory because, off stage, you take such good care of me, and on stage, it's a completely different story, where I wish you would. And playing that is interesting, because we come off stage and you’re there, no matter what. Whereas on stage, it's like I'm fighting to even get into your peripheral. So that is a fun thing to play with on stage, because I do have to look at you a little bit differently, and it makes me sad. But I know at the end of the day, we're just acting.

SB: I know that you have felt so viscerally connected to Michael and his journey. How has it been confronting that, and how do you find yourself within the role of Michael?

LJ: It started with the music and the fact that I get to sing ‘Belong To Someone’. That started two years ago, when I heard it in my garage, and I had a breakdown just because of where I was at. I just moved back in with my parents. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, what was next for me. I was moonlighting as a handyman and a carpenter. I really didn't think acting was how I was going to make a living. I was struggling to even figure out how that was going to happen for me. And I became content with the fact that if I'm a handyman for the rest of my life, like, that's good. I can do this. This is great. Then this role comes. So it was really interesting that contentment kind of led to this gift. And I think with Michael, not necessarily that he finds contentment, but he finds this person, Star, and it almost settles him in a way where he feels like ‘I don't have to put up these walls anymore.’
    Also this constant struggle with him just wanting to be seen, you know. My whole entire life has been a therapy session on, am I enough? And I think that's Michael's day-to-day of trying to figure out who actually sees him. Is it his mom? Is it his brother? Is it anyone? Is there anyone who could actually accept him for all of his brokenness? And that's the part that I didn't have to do a lot of work on, which is why I feel like I know him so well. You start there, and then from there, it's like, oh, that's the blossom, and that's the tree branch, and this is where this part in this area of the show connects to this. 
    And it’s bittersweet in a way, because there are parts of me that wish I didn't ever have to relate to Michael. Because it starts when you're young, and you grow into that. So, I completely understand that. He’s 17 in the show, and I remember when I was in high school, it was the same thing, you know. I just wanted to belong to someone, and there was this girl in front of me, and I'm, like, you can fix me, and maybe I can fix you, and we can fix each other. But yeah, there wasn't a lot of work I had to do because so much of it was already there.

SB: I think that's the amazing thing, though. You've done the work because you lived it, and there's no better way to approach a character. That's what makes your performance so raw and authentic. Because you can’t fake it.

LJ: My acting coach said, to be a great actor, you have to know your history, and you have to fail really well. And I was like, what does that mean? Now I know what he means by that. Know your history, know what you've never seen before, and what you've lived, and learn how to bring that into what you do.

SB: Do you now have gratitude for all the shit that you went through because you are able to bring it to the table every night? Does it make you think, ‘Oh, I had to go through that?’

LJ: No, I never believed that it was inevitable. Like that thing had to happen. But I do believe deep, deep in my heart, that God has the ability to make something out of nothing. If that nothing is just suffering, I feel like God has the power to bring light out of that, and so that's what I'm grateful for. Not that I had to go through it, but that I was able to mold into something that could turn into something as beautiful as what we're doing.

SB: How do clothes inform your artistry? 

LJ: My friends inform my aesthetic. It's really hard for me to come up with something on my own. I absorb a lot of things. So many of my clothes are hand-me-downs from my friends, too. I buy things sometimes, but I usually only buy things if I'm with people because they're like, ‘Oh, this is cool,’ and I'm like, ‘Yeah, it is cool. I will get this.’ I'm influenced very easily. I take in my surroundings, and I see what the culture is doing, and I adapt. I'm very Johnny Cash in that way, I just, I don't really care. I make it less about what I'm wearing and more about the music.

SB: We have to talk about Boston. Has it been nice having your dog at the theatre?

LJ: It's been the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's been so great. He reminds me of what’s important because we’ve been through a lot together. And there are some days where I feel like I'm not doing the best that I possibly can, and he reminds me there's so much more than just being in my feels, and also, when you take care of something else, it just takes you out of feeling like soaking in your own despair. He centers me.

SB: What else centers you, and what else do you do for self-care?

LJ: I wake up. I steam. I make myself coffee. I have my time on the couch, where I don't have to do anything. I can sit with Boston and ask him how his night was. 
    I found out I'm way more of an introvert than I realized. I was a very performative extrovert, but now I realize I'm, not introverted, but like, there's kind of a middle ground where it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I just like to be in my own space. I could be washing dishes, I could be, you know, taking a shower or whatever it might be, but just having that space brings me back. 

SB: Your own music has been described as raw and unflinchingly honest. How much of your own musicality do you bring to Michael and to this score?

LJ: It's been so interesting because so much of my music I'm just screaming because that’s a lot of the emotion. There’s a lot that I've gone through, so I'm just yelling about all of it and a lot of the anger and pain that’s in there. That’s how I get it out, is through music. 
    With Michael, it's very similar, and with the show, it's very similar, but you have to do it 8 times a week. So, there's a professional aspect of having to do it properly, or else you're not going to have a voice. Finding that balance of trying to sing properly but also bringing in that emotional state that I can get into with my own music has been a really interesting balance. And I'm [still] finding that because I feel like I lost myself in the midst of rehearsals and in trying to do it properly, and as we're doing previews now, I'm slowly bringing myself back to find where Michael really lives and where I meet him in that space. It's been really cool figuring that out.

SB: When you were approached to do this show, after hearing the score, knowing this is how you sound, this is your voice, this is your music—how did that make you feel?

LJ: I felt like I could sing like me and I had permission to sing like me and not like a Sondheim, you know what I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that! It makes me love it because I can do what I want to do, and there are so many people out there who want to sing this way on these particular stages and don't have that permission to.

SB: When the curtain closes on your first year on Broadway, what's one feeling you want to make sure you've held on to?

LJ: I just want to be someone who served more than they took; someone who gave back more than they received.